


The Last Troll

by RazikiMakara



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Explicit Language, Gen, Parody of The Last Unicorn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-21
Packaged: 2017-12-22 22:39:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/918852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RazikiMakara/pseuds/RazikiMakara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of a troll who sets out on an adventure to discover where the rest of his kind has gone. Along the way he meets a colorful cast of characters to "help" him in his quest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Out of the Woods and into the Fire

**Author's Note:**

> You don't have to know anything about "The Last Unicorn" to understand this story. I started out following the script for the movie "The Last Unicorn" in a loose kind of way but as the chapters go on the plot of my story will veer away from that of the work it is parodying. There are sometimes allusions to the movie itself or references to songs, poetry or plays.

 It was a lovely day, like any other day, in the mystical forest situated on the edge of some land claimed by men. There was a dirt path that ran through the forest and on that day two men were traveling down this road. 

“I mislike the feel of this forest. The winds that blow through it are rife with discontent,” The man in a green feathered hat commented as he glanced around at the trees.

The other man, dressed in brown leather, raised an eyebrow at him, “You mislike the feel of this forest? Dude, what are you waxing medieval today or something?”

Green Hat frowned at his companion, “You are ruining the feel of the immersion, dumbass.”

Brown Leather shrugged, “What did this forest even do that you had to all go and mislike it?”

“I do actually have a legitimate reason for that,” Green Hat began. “Whenever anyone goes through here all kinds of weird stuff happens, like, rude practical jokes get played on people and as they're making haste out of the forest they can hear yelling and cursing following them until they're clear of the trees.”

“Weird,” Brown Leather confirmed. “Maybe it's just one of the assholes from our troupe.”

“No, there's a much better and totally cooler explanation,” Green Hat insisted. “I heard some of the older guys saying that this has been going on for a long time and they say there's a troll living in this forest.”

This didn't seem to impress Brown Leather as much as Green Hat had hoped it would.

“Whatever, dude. If you're creeped out, we'll just turn around and head back to camp.” Brown Leather turned to leave. “I think archery is starting soon, anyway.”

“Wait, hold on,” Green Hat removed his hat, then cleared his throat. “Yo, troll that lives in this forest! You'd better stay in this forest because our world is no place for your kind! Thank God that you're probably the only one left! May you enjoy your life of tormenting others!”

With that, Green Hat plopped his hat back on his head and trekked out of the forest with his companion.

Unbeknownst to them, hiding behind a bush not too far away was the very troll that had been the woe of many medieval role players. He was short of stature and gray of skin; his hair was a tangled black mess and his eyes were yellow and spoke of many sleepless nights. The troll was garbed in a baggy black sweater and loose fitting gray pants, both of which had been stolen from campers at some point. His most striking feature, however, were the stubby orange horns growing out of his skull, just visible through his hair. 

The troll stood, glaring after the intruders that had wandered into and back out of his forest. Normally, he would have been shouting curses and insults after them but something that one asshole had said was ringing through his think pan.

“I'm the only one left?” the troll scowled. “What the fuck do a couple of humans know, anyway?”

Despite the fact that he had tried to shrug it off, the statement was still bothering the troll. It was true that he hadn't seen any others of his kind in more sweeps than he dared to count but that didn't mean they were all gone, did it? He was no longer sure. If only there was some easy way for him to contact one of his kind, perhaps via some kind of hand held device. Alas, there was nothing of the sort available to him.

The troll meandered back into the depths of the forest as his mind wandered through a sea of thoughts. If only there was some way he could know for sure; then he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore and he could continue to troll these worthless humans to his blood-pumpers content. How the fuck was he going to manage this? Miraculously, a solution was heading his way.

A purple creature fluttered towards the troll, rapping and singing a rhythmically noxious concoction of baffling, incoherent lyrics during his whole journey through the sky. As it drew closer, the troll could see that it was just a butterfly but it was not a butterfly as we are accustomed to seeing. It looked rather like a small troll, not even as big as the average human hand, wings and all. This butterfly was dressed all in purple, with a little hood that had holes for the orange-yellow feelers that stuck through it and he was also sporting a little cod piece for his non-existent butterfly bulge. To complete the look the little butterfly troll was wearing face makeup in gray and white, that made a clownish mask of his face.

The troll glared at the butterfly as it fluttered by his face, “You have got to be the most ridiculous fucking butterfly I have ever laid my sight globes on.”

“Aw, chill motherfucker, I'm a roving fucking juggalo, how you motherfucking being at, brother?”

“Where the fuck did you even come from you blithering, feculent shithole?”

The butterfly danced about on the air, heedless of the troll's obvious disdain of his presence, “I've all being motherfucking everyways, life is a motherfucking highway and like I'm all gonna ride it like to be all night long... and brother, this may sound crazy, cuz I just all up and met you and shit, but we should chill.”

The butterfly landed on the troll's head and embraced one of the nubby horns that he found there. Immediately the troll shook his head free of the butterfly.

“Show some fucking respect, shitsponge!” The troll growled. “Do you even know who I am?”

The butterfly laughed, “Excellent well, motherfucker, you're at to be a fish monger. You're being the glue, you're the motherfucking shit's bitchtits, you're all motherfuckin old and gray and full of shit, you're my motherfucking shit-faced invertebrother.”

The troll could only stare a moment, eyes slightly squinted as he tried to make heads or tails of what this foul-mouthed butterfly was saying. Then once again his anger crept back up on him.

“What was that spout of word vomit? If you know my name fucking say it!”

Again the butterfly flitted on the breeze, “Oh na na na, what's my name? Brother, your name is all at being a motherfucking stream of profanities. You don't all up to know you're motherfucking beautiful and-”

The troll was getting fed up with this butterfly as his bullshit was really grating his nerves the wrong way. 

“Say it if you know, brain dead asswipe!”

“Rumpel- motherfucking -stilstkin!” The butterfly cackled. “Got your nose, motherfucker!”

The troll rolled his eyes,“I don't even know why I thought your tiny brain could comprehend my awe-inspiring identity.”

“Voodoo! Runnin from my majick!” The butterfly twirled around in a loop, following the troll as he began to sulk away.

“If you're gonna fucking buzz around my face, then tell me this, you sorry ass excuse for a living thing... have you seen others like me? Not as great, obviously, but physically similar.”

“Oh, have you seen the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?” Sang the butterfly.

Glaring, the troll swiped at the purple, winged creature, “Focus here, idiot! Did you see even one?”

Easily dodging the troll's wild flailing, the butterfly continued to sing, “One is up and at the loneliest motherfuckin number!” The butterfly did air somersaults around the troll's head.

“Once again I am baffled at my decision to keep talking to you, since all you can do is spout out the brain sludge that humans call poetry and music and whatever else bullshit you hear. I'm ending this conversation because I'm done with your bullshit and because you can't understand because you are dumb. Fuck off, butterfly.”

“I'm getting my leave on a motherfucking jet plane, I'm here at your motherfucking entertainment and motherfucker I just all need to be all up in a desert with a deep blue motherfucking sea.”

This was the last straw for the troll, “If you pick up any more of that god awful word trash I'm sure you'll drown in a shit brown sea of your own incompetence.”

At these words the butterfly became serious, posing like a stiff know-it-all,“Troll; in Scandinavian folklore: one of a class of supernatural creatures that dwell in caves or mountains and are depicted either as dwarfs or as giants. An ugly person, a grouchy person. An internet user who sends inflammatory or provocative messages designed to elicit negative responses or start a flame-war. Troll.”

At first the troll was slightly taken aback, but he recovered quickly, “Why were you playing at not knowing the whole fucking time, you moronic waste of air? So, have you seen other trolls, then, asshat?”

“Well, you didn't have to motherfuckin all up and cut me off, acting all like it never motherfucking happened and like we're being nothing,” The butterfly sang and began to flutter away.

“You are such an ignoramus I could shit miles of rage snake to choke you to death! I'm trying to ask you a simple fucking question but you can't get it through your dense layers of decaying brain matter to fucking listen! Just fucking tell me if you've laid your pitiful excuse for sight globes on any other trolls! Where the fuck did they go and how, in the ever shitting name of gog, do I find them?”

Just then the butterfly began an agitated series of manoeuvrings in the air, then the butterfly began to speak in a strange, new voice, “no, no, listen. DON'T LISTEN TO ME MOTHERFUCKER, LISTEN. If you're all being in the brave, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN FIND THOSE FUCKERS.”  
The troll fell silent, part of him shocked at this new butterfly behavior but mostly he was relieved to be getting at least semi-competent sounding answers. He watched as the butterfly fluttered around and as he stood still listening, he swore an image was forming in the air in the space that the butterfly was darting around. As the butterfly narrated, the troll could see the events unfolding in that curious vision portal.

“They went and all passed down ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKING ROADS A FUCKING LONG ASS TIME AGO. The Green Skull chased behind them AND COVERED ALL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS TRACKS.”

“Green skull... what the fuck even is that?” The troll grumbled.

“This skull has ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING MAJESTY, and his eyes are the eyes of a WILD SET OF BILLIARD BALLS, MOTHERFUCKER. With them, he shall push the trolls, THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING LOT OF THEM, to the ends of the earth. Listen, listen, LISTEN MOTHERFUCKER!”

Once again the troll could feel his anger rising as these replies posing as answers continued to simply raise more questions in the troll's mind. Not to mention the repetitiveness was really grating.

“I am listening! Just tell me where the other trolls went and give me a straight fucking answer about what this Green Skull bullshit is!”

“Listen, listen!” The butterfly said with a laugh, back to his usual antics, as it were. “The king is all at the counting house, counting out, counting out, counting... It's you or me, motherfucking moth! Hand to hand to hand to hand to hand to hand...”

The butterfly seemed to be mimicking some kind of melee combat as it fluttered away without another word, meaningless or otherwise, to the troll. This left the troll with his mind swimming; were the other trolls in danger? What the hell was all this Green Skull nonsense? Maybe it had just been another of the garbage-brained butterfly's songs or poems but what if it wasn't? The butterfly's words came back to him: “They went and all passed down ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKING ROADS A FUCKING LONG ASS TIME AGO. The Green Skull chased behind them AND COVERED ALL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS TRACKS.”

Even though most of what the butterfly had said to him was just word vomit, the tale of the Green Skull sent shivers down his back and made his skin prickle. As the troll was thinking he wandered and soon enough he found himself at the edge of the forest, looking out at the unknown world outside of his protective cover.

“Well, fuck.” The troll sighed. “Am I really the last troll? Maybe all those grub-fisted douchebags are just hiding somewhere. Then again, maybe they need my quality leadership skills to get them out of whatever shitbrained trouble those morons have gotten into.”

He looked back at this forest one last time; it was the only place he was truly safe. No one could touch him here and those pesky humans needed a good dose of humiliation once in a while. However, there was the propagation of his species that he had to consider. The troll gave a decisive nod, then stepped onto the dirt path and took the first steps out of his comfort zone. 

 

The troll walked for hours before he came across what looked like a small human settlement. The buildings didn't look particularly sturdy, made mostly with planks of wood with canvas thrown over it. It seemed there was a tavern, some kind of weapon store and a building that had a sign proclaiming it as “Asphodel's Inn.” The troll highly doubted that the inn could possibly house more than a couple beds but perhaps business was slow in this part of the country.

As the troll walked into town, he noticed that there really wasn't anyone around, so one can imagine his surprise when an weird looking man stepped out of the “Hog's Head Tavern” suddenly. The man had greasy, black hair that was in serious need of tending and he was wearing a purple tunic and black pants that seemed to be in great need of repair. 

“Oh, hey, look at this cute lil motherfucker,” The man leaned on one of the tavern's outer support beams. “You wanna come in for a drink, kid? Man, even though you're not all up in proper garb, I can bring you in, get you all cleaned up and shit, maybe even all motherfuckin get you some new garb if you're all to be motherfucking hanging out. You're being the cutest motherfucking kid I've seen all day.”

“Kid? Wipe your sight globes in some abrasive, acidic, steel wool! Is that what you fucking think I am, some fucking incompetent human?” The troll growled and stepped back from the man.

“Aw, chill, motherfucker, I didn't mean to be all getting you at where your alarm is on.” He gestured towards the tavern. “Come on in, motherfucker.”

The troll was still raging at the idiocy of this human, thinking he was just some human kid with nothing better to do with his life. He drew his scythe from his belt and brandished it at the human, “Look, shit stain, leave me the fuck alone!”

He swiped at the greasy human, who stumbled backwards and fell. The troll took this opportunity to storm off, leaving the human puzzled behind him.

“Man, that motherfucker is not all up to breaking character...” The human mused. “What a motherfucking great role player.”

Farther down the road the troll passed a couple humans pulling a cart and the only kind of reaction he got from them was a friendly nod before they continued on their way down the road. At this point the troll was wondering if perhaps humans had just become too stupid and jaded to be able to recognize trolls anymore. Perhaps they had embraced the ways of trolls to the point where they even only saw trolls as fellow humans. Then again, that meant that perhaps the trolls weren't all gone after all, if humans didn't even know what the fuck they were looking at anymore. 

He would have turned right the fuck back around just then but then the butterfly's words came to him, as much as he hated that flying sack of barkbeast excrement. The Green Skull, whatever the hell that even was, had been responsible for the disappearance of the trolls. The troll grabbed his hair with both hands in aggravation. All the trolls were gone and all he had to go on was the word of some barely coherent singing butterfly and a passing comment from a brain dead human. Truly, this was the worst day of the troll's life. 

It seemed like ages had passed since he'd left that miserable excuse of a human town and the sun was dipping below the horizon at an astonishing pace. Deciding that traveling at night was for wrigglers and morons, the troll stepped off the dirt road and settled under a tree on some ground that looked fit enough for sleeping on. The troll was certain that humans didn't travel at night, so he wouldn't have to worry about any unwanted advances from assholes that thought he was human. He would soon discover he didn't know as much about humans as he thought he did.

Around midnight a horse-drawn caravan came trundling down the road, a large canvas sign hung across two of the wagons which read “Mommy Lalonde's Midnight Circus.” At the head of the caravan was a blonde young lady draped in tattered brown robes who stopped the caravan when she saw the troll laying asleep on the side of the road. The young lady set her martini glass down on her seat before slipping off the wagon to approach the sleeping troll. 

“Well, well, what have we here?” the robed woman leaned in close to examine the troll's face. “Oh my! A real troll!” She turned and called to the wagon, “Come here, guys!” 

As the other two members of the caravan made their way to her, the girl commented to herself, “I wonder if that wizard role player will be able to tell... probably not... some fake wizard I've hired. I won't even tell his stupid ass.”

Another young lady wearing modest, properly medieval attire, strolled up and stood next to the young woman in brown robes, looking down on the sleeping troll. 

The second girl raised an inquiring eyebrow, “You stopped us for this, Mommy Lalonde?”

The other member of the caravan approached; it was a young man dressed in flowing red robes that were meant to imitate fantasy wizards, except for the fact that he insisted on wearing aviator glasses as a legitimate part of his costume. 

“What do you see lying there, Rose?” Mommy Lalonde asked.

The girl sighed, “My character's name is Rukh. I would appreciate if you could remember that at least once in your drunken haze.”

Mommy Lalonde grinned, “Why, yes, of course, my lovely "daughter". Anything for you. Now, tell me what you fucking see laying here on the grass.” 

Rose rolled her eyes, “A lost role player who was stupid enough to sleep on the roadside. Though if you ask me his costume isn't nearly period enough.”

Mommy Lalonde turned to the wizard, “And you?”

The wizard shrugged, “Yeah, it's just... a stupid kid. Why would I think it was anything else? It's like you're expecting me to have some kind of magic knowledge of everything because I'm a wizard and shit.”

“That's what I thought,” Mommy Lalonde said, feeling satisfied. “I want to put him in the circus to teach this noob a lesson about not staying at our sanctioned inn. We're going to paint him blue, put horns on his head and call him a troll.”

“Or maybe,” the wizard spoke up again. “We could just leave him there. You know, it would be ironic and all if we didn't fuck with this kid. So many levels of irony.”

Both of the girls turned to look at him as though he'd just suggested they all stuff their heads with straw and pretend to be scarecrows.

“Dave,” Rose crossed her arms and leveled a somewhat condescending gaze on the boy. “No one would be able to appreciate the irony. Not to mention someone else is probably going to come by and pick him up if we don't.”

“In answer to your first point, we would be able to appreciate the irony and sometimes irony that only you appreciate is the best irony,” He smirked ever so slightly. “To your second point, we're the only people that wander the roads this late because we're the “midnight circus” and that's how we roll.”

Mommy Lalonde stepped between the arguing blondes, “Now now, children, you're both very beautiful. Now shut up and get this kid on a wagon before we're late getting these horses back to the park officials.”

Since Mommy had been elected the leader of their small group, and because they didn't want to pay late fees on their horse rental, the troll was deposited in one of the caravan cages. Mommy Lalonde had assured that the troll wouldn't awake during transit by blowing some sleeping powder in his face.


	2. The Midnight Circus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat awakes to find himself on display in a circus of "mythological creatures" and he meets a few more awful human beings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The narrative sometimes does not take itself seriously and other times it does. That is just the nature of this parody. I've been told in writing classes that I should let my writing speak for itself and not try to explain and defend myself so... I'll just leave it at that.

The morning was not a pleasant one for the troll. He awoke with a groggy head, puffy eyes and aching an aching body. At first he wasn't entirely sure where the hell he was; he should have been in his forest. A spike of panic hit him in the gut and he stood up abruptly, looking out the cold iron bars of his cage at the world outside. There were several other cages on wheels, arranged in a semi-circle and the troll could see a group of people approach the first cage. 

His memory of the day before was filtering through his thoughts now, he remembered leaving the forest and encountering a small number of idiot humans. He recalled settling down to sleep, for which he cursed himself for being a naïve wriggler to think it was perfectly fine to sleep next to a road humans traversed. He supposed there must be at least one human that knew what he was, otherwise he wouldn't be waking up in this cage with... fucking BLUE skin?

A string of profanities exploded from the troll's mouth, “What kind of grub fucking, idiot soaked shit sponge would so much as fucking dare to slather my delicate skin with this sloppy blue nightmare sludge? You had all better pray to whatever fucking ridiculous human deities you believe in because I will gut you, your grubs, and defile the tombs of your fucking ancestors for this insult!”

“Jegus, troll, shut your fucking trap,” A voice from outside the troll's cage said. Then a blonde boy wearing shades and a ridiculous red get-up stepped into view. “Don't draw attention over here, douche bag.”

The troll shivered with rage, “Who the fuck are you that I'm supposed to listen to every fucking shit stained word that comes out of your mouth?”

“My name is Schmendrick, the magician.” The man grinned a little. “Naw, I'm just shittin' you, the name's Dave Strider. Schmendrick is just my character's name. It's so ironic it hurts. You have no idea the levels of irony that this name is operating on. If I had to explain it to you it would take the same amount of time as it takes to look at a whole DNA strand scroll by on a TV screen. ”

This was getting to be too much for the troll, “Can you shut the fuck up? Is there some kind of dumb fucking excuse why humans have two names?”

Dave tilted his head to the side a little, “Yeah man, we have to have two names. It's the fucking law around here in human town. Never mind that, though, I came here to tell you that I'm gonna bust you outta this fucking cage but it has to be later.”

The realm of human idiocy apparently had no bounds. The troll didn't even know where he was but he sure as hell knew he didn't want to be in this fucking cage for the rest of his life covered in blue paint.

“What the fuck is all of this?” The troll gestured to everything, including himself.

“Oh, well...” Dave rubbed his chin in thought for a moment. “Look around at the other cages, see if you can figure it out. I feel like you'd have to be pretty fuckin dense not to figure this shit out.”

Aggravated by the completely useless reply from the human, the troll shouted at him, demanding a better reply. However, the human refused to comply, only smiling at him with an infuriatingly smug expression. The troll turned his attention to the group of humans that seemed to be slowly making their way to his cage, stopping at each cage on the way. 

A girl with blonde hair and a headband was leading the group, and she stopped them a few cages down from the troll and gestured to what was inside. 

“This is the Slenderman. He's known to torment humans for years before finally dragging them off into the woods. He's also been known to kidnap and corrupt small children. Creatures of night, brought to light.”

The humans all gaped and gasped but all the troll saw in the cage was a tall guy in a suit with a sack pulled over his face. At the next cage over the girl once again stopped and made a sweeping hand gesture to the creature inside.

“This is a Mexican chupacabra. This one we call Ben but do not be fooled by the nickname, they are extremely vicious beasts that ravage local livestock by drinking the animal's blood. Mind it's spines, they are poisonous. Creatures of night, brought to light.”

Once again the humans all stared in awe and respect but the creature looked to the troll to be nothing more than a mangy, old wolf. His lip curled in disgust and he turned back to the Dave human to vent his opinion.

“This is all a bunch of fucking bull shit,” the troll growled, crossing his arms.

Dave nodded, “Damn right it is. Mommy Lalonde makes a fortune out of disguising creatures as some kind of mythical beast. Even you had to be disguised so that regular people could tell that you're not just some kid. She knows that you're real, however, and I did too when I first saw you.”

This seemed an odd statement coming from this asshole human and it set the troll a little off balance, his anger derailed before it had begun to leave the station. The Dave human was still staring at him, though with the sunglasses in place it was impossible to read his expression. 

The troll rolled his eyes, “What, are you putting on some kind of fucking cool kid act now? I'm not impressed human.”

“While we're on the subject of being unimpressed, take a look at the creature in the cage next to yours. What do you see?”

Considering they were on the subject of being unimpressed, the troll wasn't expecting what met his eyes in the adjacent cage. It was an enormous spider, pure white except for traces of blue that outlined it's eyes and mandibles. The troll found himself staring, mouth slightly open, because he hadn't seen a lusus since his had died years ago. He supposed that with the disappearance of the trolls that the lusii were also falling into extinction.

“How the hell did you humans manage to capture a spider lusus?” The troll whirled on Dave, demand for the answer brought his rage back all at once.

Remaining nonplussed, Dave shrugged, “The same way we caught you; asleep. Except she wasn't just conveniently sleeping on the side of the road.” Dave leaned closer to the cage. “To be honest, there's something strange about Mommy Lalonde. I think she might actually be able to perform magic.”

The troll was about to refute Dave's claim with hard science, but he was interrupted by the girl conducting the tour, as they had gotten close to his cage now.

“Schmendrick! You know Mommy Lalonde told you to stay away from him.”

Dave smiled widely, “Aww, Rose, you don't have to worry about me like that, you know I can restrain myself from sexually assaulting the creatures, now that I've finished my twelve step program.” 

Rose was not amused, “My name is Rukh, wizard. Mind you remember it next time or I'll gut you in your sleep. Now, go back out to the entrance and entertain the next group of guests, like you're supposed to be doing.”

“Charming, as always,” Dave made a little bow, then sauntered away.

The troll turned his gaze from the retreating form of the wizard to the group of humans gathered in front of his cage. Their eyes were all on him, judging, evaluating, some even mocking as he stood in his cage, trying not to care. Once again Rose made a flourishing motion to the troll in the cage and began her short speech.

“Here we have a common troll, known for being the biggest assholes you will ever meet.” 

“Common?” The troll lunged forward and grabbed the bars of his cage. “Look at you going on like you know the difference between the ass end of a giant spider from the noise hole on your face! Spewing excrement covered lies all over this crowd of gape-mouthed shit eating gobble beasts. Keep it up and they'll all drown in your shitstorm of steaming hot falsehoods before you've even had a chance to get to the main course of puss filled fallacies that explode with corrosive, face melting bullshit!”

The audience was momentarily stunned into silence, until Rose giggled, “What a fantastic display! Better than any description of a troll I ever could have given. Moving on, everyone!”

The crowd broke out into laughter as they turned away and walked on, leaving the troll seething in his cage, unable to get the revenge that he so desperately desired. Soon there was no one to watch him and he slumped to the floor of his cage, then buried his face in his hands and screamed. He cursed the humans, their arrogance, their stupidity and most of all the fact that they all smelled like they had rolled in the foulest pile of garbage ever amassed in the entirety of history. 

When the next tour group came by, the troll's anger was still a hot, burning fire of hate that he'd been cultivating towards the human race his entire life. This time around Rose didn't even need to provoke the troll into a rage because he was shouting at them before they even reached his cage. She prefaced his presence simply with, “The troll.”

“That's right you ungrateful asswipes! Bask in the ominous glory of my superiority! Once I get out of this cage I'm going to wipe the rest of the humans out, including you shit sponges! I will rain down hate and dismembered limbs upon the masses of humans that try to defy me!”

“I'm sure you've all heard enough,” Rose waved a dismissive hand at the troll. “Moving on, ladies and gentlemen, we have a gift booth right over here.”

“Try to cover your fear, garbage eating morons! You know that I'll gather the other trolls with my overwhelming leadership qualities and crush you all like small berries under our feet! Your blood will pop out and coat the foliage and animals won't even touch it because you're all shit bloods!”

The next few tour groups received similar treatments and then it was feeding time for the “animals” and break time for the humans running the Midnight Circus. The troll huddled in a corner of his cage, away from the many prying eyes of the spider lusus as he was certain that it had been eying him hungrily for the last hour. He saw the Dave human at one point heading his way with a covered dish but before he could get close, Rose waylaid him and she brought the dish to the troll instead.

“Bon appetit,” Rose said with a smile as she eased the covered dish between the bars and set it on the floor of the cage. 

The troll ignored her and her taunt. He was done being taunted. She had been pushing his buttons all morning to get him to put on a show for the humans and he was tired of it. Tired of everything. This is what he got for trying to go out in the world to fucking help people; thrown into a cage and humiliated by humans with nothing better to do with their day than stand around and gape at pretend fictional monsters. He rubbed at his eyes, wishing all of this would just disappear so that he could at least go home. 

“Not having fun?” A woman's voice lilted to him.

When he looked up, Mommy Lalonde was standing in front of his cage, holding a martini glass and looking rather smug about the whole situation. 

“Ugh, like I needed more gawking humans today,” the troll groaned and rolled his eyes dramatically. I'd tell you to take a fucking picture but I hate all of you and I want no part of myself entangled in your disgusting, hygiene deprived lives!”

Lalonde giggled and sipped from her glass, “I'm so glag... glad that you're feeling feisty today! Mates... makes a great show for my guests.”

“Go stuff a metal rod covered in glass shards down your protein chute, you acid swilling witch,” The troll spat out venomously. He had already dealt with more humans in one day than he had ever wanted to encounter in his whole life.

“It's funny because, really, you should be thanking me, troll,” Mommy Lalonde smirked into her beverage before continuing. “Don't you know the dangers of being a troll out in the open these days? I dare say you're probably the only troll left, what with all the effort the Green Skull has put into rounding you all up.”

The troll gestured wildly with his arms, “Why does every one feel the need to inform me of that fact, if it even is a fact? It's like everyone thinks I'm the biggest, nook sucking, moronic bulge rot to ever grace the planet so naturally I need to be informed that my species as a whole is a huge, scum-drinking failure.”

“Clam your tits. Jegus...” Lalonde rolled her eyes and took another sip of her drink. 

“I hope that spider lusus eats you,” the troll grumbled.

Mommy Lalonde looked over at the enormous white creature, “She will kill me one day, no doubt about that. Eventually, my lovingly crafted cage won't be able to contain her anymore but she'll always know that Mommy Lalonde's science was no match for her mythological nature. She was just as easy to capture as you were, troll.”

“I wouldn't go around fucking boasting about that. I mean, catching people while they're sleeping is a pretty cheap way to go, if you ask me. It's not like it required any skill on your part.”

“Bold words!” Lalonde grinned happily and raised her martini glass as if in a toast. “Howvever, you should be aware, my angry lil friend, that you're p much best off eright here. No one would even know what you were if not for my uber disguise skills. The Green Skull can point you right out, tho. He's p much the most dangerous thing you'd have to deal with out here.”

The troll's visceral reaction was to sneer indignantly as if someone had just brought him a plate of dog shit thinking it was suitable food. A niggling concern bubbled up in the back of his mind, reminding him that trolls were vanishing after all. Whatever this Green Skull nonsense was, surely he could fight it; he sure as fucking hell would not be going down without a teeth-gnashing fight to the bitter fucking end.

Lalonde seemed oblivious to the troll's inner struggle and babbled on, “The Green Skull lives under King Haggard's castle but I really don't think that guy has any idea what he's sitting on. Regardless, you're mine you adorable little shit and I won't let that fucking Green Skull take you.”

“Wha?” The troll let out a groan and smacked both hands over his face, crumpling to the floor of his cage in unmitigated aggravation. He rolled around on his back making anguished noises until Lalonde pursed her lips, rolled her eyes and sauntered off to attend to other matters.

“I have to hand it to you,” Dave voice reached the troll's ears amidst his episode. “You really know how to put on a show. It's like you're the Micheal Jackson of temper tantrums. I mean, really you could just do one every few years and people will think it's the shit until your next one but you are so fucking dedicated you do it multiple times a day.”

The troll remained laying on the floor of the cage, hands over his face. “What the fuck do you want, Stridrich?”

“That is totally my name, great job dude. Look, there's too much shit going on cuz this is the first day of the fair, so just keep your panties from digging too far up your asscrack for the rest of the day until I can come back to spring you outta jail tonight. You know, like by the light of the moon and all that cliché shit.”

“Whatever,” the troll grumbled.

Despite how much he hated humans, the troll couldn't help but feel a small swell of hope that maybe the fake, rapping magician could get him out of this hell hole. He didn't know what the moron thought he was going to get out of it but the troll knew for sure he was going to ditch that verbose sack of garbage as soon as possible.

True to his stubborn streak, the troll remained laying on the floor of the cage for the rest of the day. Not even Rukh's prodding could elicit the screaming hate-snakes out of the troll that the humans truly deserved. Once dusk began to fall, the tours came to a stop and the troll finally sat up to examine his surroundings. 

The spider lusus in the cage next to him was clicking it's mandible together in a way that the troll could only interpret as menacing. As much as the creature gave him the heebie jeebies, a part of him wondered if there was a lonely troll out there, morning the loss of their lusus. His memory called him, unbidden, back to the day when his lusus had died.

“Fuck, I hate flash backs,” the troll said and expelled a long suffering sigh as he was dragged into the past by the narration.

 

A faint but familiar cry had drawn the troll toward the shore of the lake that bordered his forest. As he had pushed his way though the final patches of foliage along the edge of the meager beach, he saw his crab lusus shuffling towards him.

His breath caught in his throat when his eyes caught sight of the bright-red blood trail the lusus was leaving behind it. 

“Crabdad!” The troll cried with a gasp and ran to his custodian, though he wasn't sure what he could do to help. His lusus was missing a leg and was bleeding heavily from multiple wounds, some of which had pointed sticks poking out of them.

The lusus screeched feebly and collapsed onto the sand, wrapping one of his clawed arms around the small troll. It breathed heavily for a few moments more and then ceased moving altogether.

The troll didn't even get the opportunity to ask what had happened, though he could hazard a guess that humans had been involved somehow. He didn't have anyone to pretend to be strong for and so he leaned against his deceased guardian and sobbed until he fell asleep.

When he awoke later that night he thought for a moment it had been a dream, a passing nightmare of a thought but he discovered soon enough that his lusus was a cold husk of his former being. It had taken him the rest of the night but the troll had managed to shove the lusus... his lusus, his guardian, his caretaker... into the lake, which became it's final resting place.

 

Back in the present, the troll sagged visibly in his cage and looked over at the spider lusus, his eyes hollow like those of child after an auto collision that proved fatal to his parents. Maybe she wasn't his crabdad but she must be important to someone. 

“Alright, fiiiine,” the troll conceded with an exasperated sigh. “I'll set you free if that douche bag manages to get me out of here.”

The spider clicked it's mandibles together as if in understanding. Though he had come to a decision on the matter the troll didn't feel a sense of satisfaction from it, instead it felt more like an oil slick had materialized in his stomach. It didn't help that he hadn't eaten at all; the dome covered food tray had been neglected since that infuriating headband girl had left it.

No sooner had his hand touched the handle of the cover he heard a voice, whispering loudly, just outside the door to his prison. The face of the douche bag in red appeared on the other side of the barred window in the door. 

“Hey, troll! It's jail break time! Which is kind of like Hammer Time but by a sad twist of fate there aren't any rappers in parachute pants to do a fuckin sweet dance about it.”

The troll gaped as he felt himself being swallowed by an unfathomable well of disgust and aggravation.

“Why is it that the only human that wants to help me is only the most idiotic, puss spewing, piece of unwanted lusus vomit the world has ever fucking seen?”

The magician shrugged, “Some trolls just got all the luck.”

“And that troll is not me...”


	3. The Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave has come to Karkat's rescue but all does not go as planned.

Feeling petulant, the troll remained sitting on the floor of the cage, arms crossed, glaring at Dave through the barred window.

Dave quirked an eyebrow at the troll's behavior, “If you wanna just stay in the fucking cage I can just go back to having my dreams psychoanalytically picked apart by Rose while you sit here and pout. I had to tell her some ridiculous riddle so I could get away while she spent time trying to think of an appropriately witty and yet still scathing comeback.”

The troll rolled his eyes so dramatically that Dave could see the motion from the other side of the door in the semi-darkness. “Are you actually even remotely fucking capable of getting me out of this hellhole of a nightmare?”

“I'm a fucking wizard, douche nozzle. I've got the magic of the best slam poetry you ever laid your nubby little ears on. Roxy, that's Mommy Lalonde, thinks I'm a total ass backwards charlatan but may a meteor the size of fucking Jupiter wipe out my apartment if I'm not the hottest performer at this event.”

The self-proclaimed wizard of slam poetry posed suddenly, arms crossed with his elbows jutting out as far as he could reasonably make them. He looked over the top of his aviator shades at the captive troll for a long moment then a smile cracked at the very corner of his mouth and he dropped the pose.

“Shit, the irony police are gonna have a warrant out for my arrest if I keep this shit up,” Dave said, wiping the impending smirk from his features.

Suddenly, the troll lunged forward and grabbed the bars of the window with both hands and shook it violently, pretending that his hands were wrapped around Dave's neck.

“Holy fucking hairballs of fire you sleazy, little, asshat, weasel-bastard!” The troll snarled with his face pressed to the bars. “Are you going to get me out of here or are you going to wait until I die an agonizing death with my ears bleeding from all the venomous ass vomit that's pouring out of your protein chute?”

Dave let the troll's words slip in one ear and out the other and then began laughing, “And here I thought this weekend was going to be boring as watching snails fuck! Alright, alright, lemme bust out some of my spell packets and I'll give this the ol' college try.”

To keep himself from frothing at the mouth in anger, the troll stepped away from the bars and quaked with silent rage while Dave fiddled with a brown leather pouch strapped around his waist.

“Abra cadabra hocus pocus wiggity whack open sesame,” Dave intoned while wiggling his fingers, trying too hard to sound mysterious and majestic, then tossed a handful of glittery powder on the door.

The troll turned and stared hard at the door, mouth slightly open in anticipation, but when nothing happened he gripped his hair with both hands and shouted, “You couldn't be anymore fucking useless if I chopped all your worm eaten limbs off!”

A rope of silence was pulled taut through the cool night air in the aftermath of the troll's outburst. The fading tremors of the words seemed to dance across the silence like a high wire tightrope, setting both human and troll on edge.

Dave leaned close to the bars and whispered harshly,“I get that you're frustrated and mad but shut the fuck up. People finding out what I'm doing is pretty much the last thing that we want to be happening here. So, pretend like you're a teapot short and stout but you're not on a fucking fire so no one else will hear you shout and in a second I'll tip this shit over and pour you out.”

While the troll's anger was still boiling like a pot of tea set to start screaming, he curbed his reply because he realized that the douche bag in red was right about one thing. Only one thing, though because otherwise that was giving him too much fucking credit.

“I didn't think you were going to excrete rage babies in there or I wouldn't have treated you to some of my stage material. Luckily, I swiped the key from Rose so you don't have to rely on my fake ass magic, even if my delivery is flawless."

The troll did not trust himself to verbal communication and instead shot the human what he hoped was his very best death glare. Dave fiddled with the lock, the troll could hear metal scraping on metal, and then came an audible click that made his skin tingle.

The two of them made eye contact through the barred window but before either of them could say anything another voice crept up through the silence.

"Some fcuking magician. Fake ass charlatan."

Dave glanced down sharply as the words were followed by a faint, ominous cackle that faded away into the dark.

The troll's eyes were wide and when he spoke his voice came out as a whisper, "What the fuck was that?"

"It was the lock..." Dave whispered back, looking back up at the troll.

"Don't just stand there!" The troll answered frantically, still keeping his voice down. "Open the fucking door!"

As if jump started from his stupor, Dave rattled the lock off of the door and the troll pushed it open himself without hesitation, eagerly scuttling away from the cage like a crustacean out of a crab trap.

"Alright, to get out of here-"

"Give me the key," The troll cut Dave off.

"What? Why?" Dave asked, obviously bewildered. "If you want it as a memento of this heroic jailbreak, I'll give it to you later."

The troll stuck out his hand, "Just give me the fucking key, tool bag."

“No, you'll get paint on it.”

In the midst of the boiling insult geyser that was rising up inside the troll, a small voice of reason broke through like a streak of sunshine on a stormy day. Maybe he should just tell the human why he wanted the key, why he needed the key.

The troll sighed loudly and did his best to compose himself before speaking again, “I need the key so I can free the spider lusus that the drunk human has locked up. She's probably some troll's guardian that needs her.”

“Are you shitting me? No. No. No fucking way... no.” Dave replied vehemently. “She'll probably just kill you and also me and also possibly everyone else here!”

Of course the human wasn't going to listen to a simple request. Who did a guy have to kill to get the key to the cage of a giant, possibly blood-thirsty spider? 

“Schmendrick?” A girl's voice called through the night air.

The troll reached forwards suddenly to try to grab the key while the human was distracted but apparently he had wildly underestimated Dave's combat prowess. Dave stepped to the side and got the troll into a head lock, which the troll managed to struggle out of but not before they had both toppled to the ground so that they were wrestling in the dirt.

“You're an oily smudge on the face of decency, you filthy troglodyte,” the troll growled as he struggled for dominance.

Dave didn't have any verbally toothy comebacks but he did manage to physically outmatch the troll and pin him to the ground. Rose clapped appreciatively when Dave stood up, leaving the troll aggravated and panting on his back.

“I didn't know you boys were up for a bit of down and dirty roughhousing,” Rose hid a sly smirk behind one hand.

After taking a moment to straighten himself out, Dave replied, “I know you only come to these role play events to flesh out your wizard fan fiction but I'm afraid I'm not going to be making a cameo appearance in any of them this time around.”

Rose tutted in disappointment, “What a wet blanket. Why did you let him out anyway? Feeling bad for the newbie who didn't know about our Troupe's initiation?”

“What kind of fucking hair-brained idiot came up with this “initiation” idea?!” The troll sputtered with indignation as he scrabbled up off the ground. “You humans are so fucking sick and twisted someone might mistake you for grotesque, rotting monsters that enjoy eating each others limbs for entertainment.”

“That does sound like a fairly apt description of at least part of the human race,” Rose conceded.

“Alright, it's time for a heroic escape, Rose.” Dave plucked a magic packet from his satchel. “You know what that means.”

Rose let out a sigh of the long suffering and misunderstood, “For the three-hundred and seventy-fifth time, my name is Rukh. Secondly, I can't let you escape because then I'll have to put up with Roxy's demands for me to replace her missing troll.”

“Just find some other sap to paint blue and slap fake horns on his head,” Dave gestured vaguely to the troll. “Besides, I think it's more that she's your older sister and she loves to torment you. She won't actually force you to do anything you don't want to. I know a certain asshole that does that shit to me all the time... except he actually forces me to do things. Like come to this event."

"You named yourself Schmendrick and wore a bright red wizard costume to a week long event. I thought it was all for the ironies. Are you telling me now that it was, in fact, forced familial obligations that made you put so much effort into this?"

Dave's mouth twitched subtly before he made an over exaggerated hand gesture, “I could never fully explain the nuances of “the ironies” to you, Ros... ukh. Instead we should discuss terms for letting me walk away with this troll unhindered, like I'm the mafia and I'm trying to traffic human bodies all discreet.”

The troll stared slack jawed at the two as they continued their repartee turned negotiation for his freedom. While they were talking about emancipation conditions in the most flippant and detached way possible, the troll wandered off towards the lusus's cage in the hopes that she was better company.

As he neared the cage, the lusus shifted so that she could follow his movements as he approached and stood in front of the cage. She made a series of clicking noises that the troll chose to interpret as a greeting. 

“You are god-awfully terrifying,” the troll muttered as he stared up at the massive bulk of the white spider. “How are you even stuck in that ratty-ass cage? You should be able to splinter that box like it was made of fucking matchsticks left to dry in the sun for three months.”

The lusus twitched one of her furry front legs towards the door of the enclosure, careful not to actually make contact with any part of the door. Curiosity piqued, the troll trotted over to the door to examine it. Hanging from the door was a large, heavy looking lock, the sorts of like one would imagine to be used to lock up old pirate chests. The troll wrapped both hands around the lock in order to examine it but as he did so smoke began to pour out of the keyhole and it hissed like an angry snake. 

Quickly, the troll dropped it, what he did not expect was for it to crack apart and crumble away while a faint voice cursed him, his whole existence, and everyone he knew. A tension in the air that the troll had not noticed before, a sort of white noise, faded away with the voice of the dismantled lock; he was not the only one who took notice of the change.

The spider lusus rose up in the cage to her full size, spreading her arms out around her which effectively shattered the wood like brittle bones and she let out a screech that ripped apart the night like claws through gauze. 

The troll stumbled backwards and fell on his ass, staring up at her with a mixture of awe and terror.

“Holy fucking Christ kicking a newborn baby!” Dave's voice reached the troll's ears as the human ran over to see what the commotion was.

The troll turned his head to see Dave standing nearby, his mouth gaping open like a fish out of water. Rose was standing just behind him, she schooled her face into a mask of determination and pulled a glow stick out of a hidden pocket in her dress.

“Dave, take the troll and run.”

“Why?” The troll scoffed. “It's not like she's going to- oh...”

The spider turned her attention to the small group, raising her front legs while her jaws clicked furiously.

“I said RUN!” Rose shouted.

Her words seemed to set Dave in motion and he grabbed the collar of the troll's baggy shirt as he was standing up, effectively yanking him away from the spider as she lunged towards the troll.

“WHY IS SHE TRYING TO KILL ME?!” The troll screamed angrily as he ran after Dave. “I set her free and she thanks me by trying to fucking devour me like a delicious midnight snack!”

“What did you except? It's a SPIDER for fuck's sake!”

They were almost to the treeline that marked where the clearing met the forest. The only problem with this is that they were, simultaneously, drawing closer to Mommy Lalonde's private sleeping quarters. The door of the small, covered wagon was shut and the window above the planter full of half-dead flowers was dark, so the troll could only assume that she was out; either out of her quarters or out cold. Out of her mind was also not... out of the question.

Ridiculous wordplay aside, the troll kept a watchful eye on the door of the wagon as he sprinted towards the woods, keeping pace with Dave although he couldn't remember the last time he had ever moved faster than a leisurely stroll. Fear will do that to you. Graphic images of having his torso severed and then having the spider eat his entrails while he watched in agonizing pain in his last moments of life were what kept his complaining legs moving.

Behind him, the troll could hear the spider's shrieks of anger. It seemed that Rose had proven to be a decent decoy as the lusus sounded increasingly far away. The troll chanced a look over his shoulder and immediately regretted this decision. Whatever interest the lusus had in Rose, she now suddenly dropped, like a child discards a toy in favor of a new one. 

As the spider lusus began to surge towards them a new wave of terror swept through the troll and he turned his attention ahead of him again. The dark doorway of Mommy Lalonde's wagon was forcefully thrown open and Roxy herself was standing in the doorway wielding a large, rifle-like gun.

“If that thing hurts Rose, I swear I will fucking hunt you down, troll,” Roxy shouted at the troll as he skittered around her in his mad dash for the woods. “And Dave! You owe me, you little shit!”

“Sorry!” Dave shouted back. “Too busy running for my life! Can't hear you!”

As the troll and Dave broke through the tree line they heard gun shots reverberating through the air, followed by the ear-splitting shrieks of the spider lusus. Damp leaves slapped the troll's face and gnarled roots tripped him up as they barreled deeper into the pitch black woods. Despite this, they didn't stop running for what seemed like an eternity.

“Stop!” Dave gasped as he stumbled and fell against a tree in the dark. 

The troll had lived in darkness like this for his entire life and his eyes were adjusted to the limited light coming from the stars that peeked through the gaps of foliage overhead. The troll didn't complain about stopping as his whole body was screaming with exertion and he leaned against a tree taking heaving breaths.

“Fuck,” Dave mumbled to himself as he rummaged through his clothes, finally procuring his phone from the numerous folds of fabric. 

The light from the phone was nearly blinding; the troll let out an involuntary hiss and put his arms up momentarily to defend himself from the flood of light.

“Way to permanently damage my eyes, you grub-faced dimwit. It's a good thing for you that the illumination from that device makes up for the lack of illumination in your brain. Unfortunately, now I'm fucking blind like an underground dwelling tunneling creature so I can't find a fucking good place to- What the fuck are you doing?”

“I thought you were blind,” Dave quipped. “How do you know I'm doing anything?”

“Because the burning rays of hell aren't boring into my sight globes anymore, you amputated stump of rotting flesh.”

Dave shook his head and shone the light on the ground, illuminating the underbrush ahead of them. “It's a shame I wasn't feeling hungry just then because envisioning that would totally have squashed any desire I had to eat into an inescapable void.”

The troll grimaced but Dave was already walking off, using the light from his phone to pick out a safe path. They didn't speak for a long time, both of them exhausted and overwhelmed from their escape from the spider lusus. As they walked in silence, Dave's phone would blurt out noises from time to time but Dave kept his gaze on the forest floor and trudged on through the night. 

Eventually, the forest thinned out and they found themselves on the bank of a creek that burbled softly though the darkness. The troll sank to his knees on the muddy ground, his body finally registering that he was safe. Dave leaned against a tree at the edge of the forest and fiddled with his phone but the troll was unaware of anything as he slipped into unconsciousness laying in the dirt next to the gently flowing water. 

 


End file.
